No Shit! An occasional series: No.4 - Smith and Mills

So far we have plundered the depths of depravity within the city, but it's time to go a bit more upmarket in the form of Smith and Mills' offering. A converted elevator shaft, this steampunk-tinged bog offers a delightful decor.

The crown jewel is the flip-down sink, despite the fact the taps are a bit clumsy.

The sliding door is next to the bar so hopefully the chatter outside is loud enough so that your stream isn't heard too much by the other patrons!

As for the bar itself, it's a tiny little restaurant in Tribeca located at 71 North Moore street, and speaking of streams, nerdy readers may well recognise the street name, which is also home to Hook & Ladder 8, the fire station used in the Ghostbusters movies.

Some idiot is ruining the picture...

In all honesty I went to the restaurant because I wanted to check out the toilet (this probably says a lot about me)... but they do make a nice Old Fashioned although it will set you back $14 (I enjoyed the drink then left). The food smelled good but the portions looked a bit on the small side from what I could see, it's not really the kind of place I would come to usually, I don't belong with the suits and yuppies. You'll get better bang for your buck elsewhere but for a quirky detour it's worth checking out.

Score on the floor...
Venue: 5
Character: 9
Functionality: 7
Hygiene: 7

Total: 28

No Shit! An occasional series: No.3 - Manitoba's

Manitoba's is a bar everyone in NYC needs to go to and definitely one of my favourite haunts, owned by Handsome Dick Manitoba of the Dictators (the man himself is there fairly often), the staff are very friendly and the walls are adorned with various band pictures and posters. They could do with a better ale or two on tap but my drink of choice at the venue is usually a Killian's Red, mostly because of the Nada Surf song! 

When I needed the facilities on this particular occasion I was almost disappointed to see everything looking fairly clean, my previous memories, albeit under a considerable influence of alcohol are of dripping floors, unflushed logs and impatient knocks on the door while trying to relieve oneself. 

My favourite Manitoba's visit was this February whilst entertaining family from back home, we'd taken in a boozy brunch at cafe cortadito in the morning and I had about 8 cocktails by the time we arrived at the bar in the early afternoon. I don't actually remember drinking anything in Manitoba's but my wallet certainly tells a different story being about $100 lighter by the end of the night, members of our party napped, threw up and managed to leave possessions at the bar which were thankfully turned in and retrieved the next day. 

Manitoba's is located at 99 Avenue B, just off East 7th Street (which is probably my favourite street in the city, which I may talk about in more detail at a later date).

Score on the floor...
Venue: 9
Character: 5
Functionality: 7
Hygiene: 7 (this time!)

Total: 28

No Shit! An occasional series: No.2 - Cameo Gallery

After kicking off the series with the monstrous DBA toilet, our attention now turns to yet another Williamsburg establishment, the Cameo Gallery (this toilet is actually in between the music venue and connecting cafe, The Lovin' Cup). The venue itself is more professionally ran than the raft of DIY venues in the area, featuring an actual bar, a good sound system and a room that's probably a bit too clean and hip for my liking if I'm being picky.

Before heading in to see the live US debut of Belfast Band, Girls Names (who were excellent, by the way), I needed the facilities. I'd been to the venue before to see La Sera (who are also brilliant), but did not have a call of nature.

As you can see from the pictures, there is something incredibly sinister about this place. Forget about saying Candyman in the mirror three times, I was half expecting Dexter to appear behind me as I took a slash.

Whilst the serial killer lighting makes it memorable, the rest of the room is fairly bland, minimal graffiti, functional toilet AND taps (DBA take note...).

Cameo Gallery - A spooky but ultimately tame toilet experience.

Score on the floor...
Venue: 6.5
Character: 5
Functionality: 6
Hygiene: 6

No Shit Score: 23.5

No shit! An occasional series: No.1 - Death By Audio

The state of most toilets in New York is shocking, for newcomers I imagine this is considerably disconcerting. However, there comes a time where you must embrace filth and ultimately these things become endearing. Afterall, you're sharing this city with over 8 million people as it is, anyone who remotely leans towards being a germophone would be particularly crippled. If you suffer from lutropublicaphobia, please never come here, for your own sake.

Now, onto our first offering, which is at Williamsburg music venue, Death By Audio. 

I like DBA, it's my kind of venue and I've seen some good acts there, I guess you could call it "intimate", music venues should not be pretentious, and they definitely should not be clean, two very important boxes are ticked here! 

Anyway, enough about the venue, which may feature in a separate series in the future, let's check out the bog. Graffiti like that takes time to build up. While I expect things to look terrible I do expect facilities to work, thankfully the toilet itself is functional but be warned, I don't think the tap has ever worked when I've gone there and while patrons may do a double-take at what looks like the tub of stale vaseline on top of the unit, it's actually an odour eater.

DBA, don't ever change.

Score on the floor...
Venue: 8
Character: 8
Functionality: 4
Hygiene: 4

No Shit Score: 24